Monday, 10 October 2011

A child's dreams

I dropped my bag of books and didn't bother to find out where the suitcase and mattress were.These were the only belongings I had returned with  after a grueling first term in S2.Eager beaver is the only way I can describe myself that day.I run to my parents room and flung the door open,I knew my dad was behind that door waiting to hear all about how I had been a good girl during the term.I had even come 10th that term,all was well.
You see,with the exception of a few short visits here and there,I had not lived with my dad for about 7 years,I didn't know if he still liked waking up early and having breakfast with his children before leaving for the office everyday,or if he would still bundle us into the car on a Saturday with absolutely nowhere to go, or even if he would remind me of the prayer that went,"Lord teach me how to keep my mouth shut if I have nothing to say," when I went on and on about nothing.I was eager to find out though,would he still kiss my mother Happy New Year when all of us were watching??Yuck!!My 14 year old self thought,I hope not!!!
I matched into the room expecting my rationing of chocolate, new clothes, and new shoes!I was abit weary of the clothes though because in the past few years my beloved dad had lost track of my size,sometimes the clothes were too small and others too big,with the latter being more frequent!He always claimed that I was growing at a rate way slower than the average.Upon entering the room,a neatly laid bed awaited me,there were no masculine clothes,just my mum's multi colored clothes and Jacket with shoulder pads!This can't be right,I thought,men shouldn't wear women's clothes.I figured I would have to inform my dad of this as he settled back into life in Uganda,he must have been misled by someone.
That night I fell asleep in the chair as I waited for him to return,I guess my mum didn't know the words to use to tell me my dad was not coming back,yes he was in the country,but no he was not coming to live with us as I had thought.
My little brain went into overdrive wondering whom a man could possibly live with if not his wife and children,had I driven him away with my incessant questions,had I asked for too many things and forced him to flee?I couldn't figure it out.No amount of probing was yielding any answers from my mother,I guess she was determined to be silent about everything,probably the pain was still too much and speaking about it only made it worse;she was probably dying inside and struggling hard to shield us from the nightmare she was going through.My only father had walked out on us,it took a while to sink in but as the days turned into weeks and then into months,it dawned on me that boss had no plans of coming back.He had left my mother alone to raise four children then between the ages of seventeen and three.
Now I had heard that I looked and acted so much like my dad, a sentiment that caused me great joy!To this point I wanted to be exactly like him,eat what he ate, say the things he said and I was even trying my hardest to become tall and big,just like him,I was a true daddy's girl!Not anymore,in my angry moments I got annoyed at the mention of our resemblance and almost fought at the mention of any likeness I had with him!In the sad moments of a young girl longing for her father,I would think to myself,maybe I should have been a boy,maybe I should have been cleverer,more active.Deep in the night after the world had gone to sleep,I would stay awake and go threw the emotions,anger,bitterness,rejection and yeah,sometimes I would blame my mum for driving my dad away.
It is now all a distant memory that left a dull ache in my heart for all that was and could have been .The kind of people we all could have turned out to be, the nights my mother cried herself to sleep and the rebellious teenager I became,casting non existent demons from my kid sisters and mother(story for another day).I gotta say though,my mum is one heck of a lady!It really could not have been easy.

PS:Big ups for the financial support boss

1 comment:

  1. (waily,waily) really could not have been easy,,,but look how you turned out! you are the most loving, enduring and deep friend i know.

    i like the ''Lord teach me how to keep my mouth shut if i have nothing to say.'' is stil apart of you,,,